Monday, January 18, 2010

Judgement, Relationships & Risk

Sometimes it seems like friends are only friends until you no longer suit their needs/wants. I've discovered this multiple times over this past year.

First there was the one that decided after 10 years of very close friendship that because of our spiritual views she just could no longer be around us. Regardless of the fact that she and her family had previously embraced us with our spriritual views. Nothing had changed in us. We were the same that day as we had been the day before, and the week before, and the month before, and the year before..... So what changed in her? She has recently apologized to my husband. But I take being judged for my spirituality very, very personally. As I would NEVER judge anyone for theirs. And I'm just not ready to "bury the hatchet" so to speak.

And then there was the man; a long friend of almost 30 years. Who told my husband that he had his job cut out for him because his wife (me) was a pagan and had lowered herself to the status of cavemen who didn't know any better than to deficate right outside the door of their own dwellings! Funny, he didn't seem to understand that my husband is a pagan as well.

Now, I'm all of a sudden the enemy of another "friend"!  Because I don't shop at walmart, and I'm opposed to the government, I'm "a negative person", and she has said that because of my anti walmart/government views,  that I've somehow all of a sudden insulted what her husband does for a living (he is in the military).  She and her family no longer want anything to do with us. WTF???? Why am I the enemy now, and I wasn't 2 weeks ago? Or a year ago, or 2 years ago. My views on the government or walmart are no different now than they were when we met.
Thus it sometimes seems as if people are friends as long as you suit their needs/wants/ideals, etc. When they have used up whatever resources/energies they can get from you, be it emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc. then you will be kicked to the curb! It is human nature. So how do we as humans combat this? How do we change this "survial of the fittest" instinct within us so that we do not continue to create a bruised, broken, and bitter race? What is the answer? Do we just forgive and forget? Or become complacent? Or do we risk and do as one of Sarah McLachlan's songs says "If I shed a tear, I won't cage it. I won't fear love. If I feel a rage, I won't deny it. I won't fear love."

What do you think? I'd love to hear from you.

For the record, I think that I will follow the advice of the song lyrics, and not fear love. I shall continue to risk my heart being stepped on, bruised or battered. Without the risk, we cannot experience the joy. Nor can we experience the true essence of ourselves.

Blessed Be Always!


  1. It can be very hard when those around us lash out and blame others to justify their own feelings of lack....

    I let others own their 'stuff' and stay free of their need to involve me in it. Everyone is excellent where they are at, really. Perhaps I can use them as a mirror to see how I can grow? Learning and growing opportunities are all around us :)

  2. I've been through this very thing alot since moving to the midwest. For a long time I viewed it as my purpose, saw it as the reason for my existance was to be a kind of human store that people came to when they needed something. It helped me from taking it personally. I finally realized that may be a peice of my purpose, but it's a lousy way to see myself and my worth and value as a human being.

    This is the conclusion I've come to, many people in this world are all about what they can take, get and own. That's pretty common and easy to find. On the other hand a friend is a rare treasure that takes some searching sometimes. A friend brings and leaves more than they ever take, they can't help it, they really like who you are and so it's just something they do.
    A friend doesn't care if your having a bad hair day or wear bad fashion or sometimes just need to wear the bathrobe and veg out with cookies, they love you for who you are and could see this as a party instead of a bathrobe day.
    A friend becomes family because they act more like family sometimes than family does.

    I remember hearing this somewhere that if you can count your friends on one hand your pretty rich by any standard.
    I suspect that could be a reason that many people see their animal friends as best friends rather than the human variety. Animals just love you because your you, no adjendas, no hidden intent, no conditions.

    Animals are great models for what friends are.

    The people who have used you have lost much, a rare and unique person, and they don't realize what it is that they have done. Hindsight is great but it also bites hard, just like karma.

    Among the friends I do have, I consider you one of the rare treasure of my life. Time leads us on different roads sometimes, but eventually when we come back, the friendship is still present and still there.

    I love you much my dear friend.

  3. Topcat,
    I absolutely agree, that "Everyone is excellent where they are at." Though I'm not perfect, I've tried really hard to accept people just for who they are, regardless of what they believe, where they come from , where they've been, what they've done, etc. And I've always hoped to recieve the same in return.

    Thank you for the mirror advice. I was called a liberal nazi today because I don't agree with everything our government does. Though I found it somewhat amusing, I will try to find the lesson in it :)

  4. Wendy,
    You really hit the nail on the head....breaking it down into and honest, heartfelt truth of what a true friend really is. I got a vicious email today in which someone said to me, "As many friends as you've lost over the past year, maybe you ought to sit back and think what YOU'VE done to cause it instead of blaming them." (amoung other things).

    All I could think of was that I really didn't loose any friends this past year. Aquaintances maybe. But not friends. And if I really truely dig deep to see if I have done anything to cause them break the ties between us, it's that I didn't bow to their idols/ideal, I didn't cow to their whims, and I refused to judge them for what they believe. If that is a crime against their idea of friendship, so be it.

    I miss having a friend like you close by. You are a rare gem. A prize to be cherished. A gift. I can count on one hand those in my life like. and they are the treasure that I hold close. I love and adore you :)



Thank you for your comments. I appreciate them and read each and every one of them. It may take me a few days, but I will do my best to leave a response back.
Blessed Be,